Magic

Today I woke up feeling terrible. We were up way too late last night so I woke up with a headache (and as always) the nausea. Since we have guests right now, I tried to shower before you woke up- but soon after, got sick in our bathroom and only got as far as bronzer and my pajamas. You were wild this morning. First you wanted to play "ball" and then you wanted a bath, and then you wanted to keep taking off your diaper, and then you wanted to eat. Finally, I just let you run around naked and brought a muffin upstairs from the kitchen to feed you for breakfast. You were mad at me because I would only give you pieces. You wanted the entire thing, but I wouldn't let you. I turned on Baby Boost and you sat and watched as I shoved pieces of muffin into your mouth. Suddenly, you were calm. You were changed and bathed and fed and naked and watching Baby Boost next to me; perfectly content. And I was feeling like I wanted to just die. But then you stood next to me on the couch and wrapped your arms around my neck and pressed your cheek on mine and I instantly felt better. All the pain and sick feelings completely went away! I wanted to make sure that I was right about your magic hugs- so I told you to hug me again and the same thing happened. Everything went away! So then I sat you on my lap and I said "Jax, you know how mommy has been sick?...Well, did you know that your hugs make mom feel all better! They are like magic hugs!" And by then you were arching your back, trying to get off my lap and onto the ground. But just so you know, your hugs are my cure!

The World Today

This was a post I started a few days ago. It was never finished and never posted. 

"Dear Jax and Baby,"

*You won't be reading this post for a long long time.

Today I realized (even more) that I need to be better. I need to be closer to Heavenly Father. We need to have the spirit stronger in our home. Because we are definitely going to need it.

Your dad went to bed tonight and I went on Facebook. While I was on Facebook, I came across a conversation that began with a photo posted by a guy I knew in high school. The guy was someone I went to Seminary with, who afterward served a mission, and who now lived in Utah. And the picture was pro-day marriage. What a confusing, sad world you will grow up in. Most of it is happy and fun and great- but some of it is really hard. I know that Heavenly Father knew that this was the time for you to come to the earth, and I know that He also knew that you were strong enough to make right decisions in your life and live with Him again.

I'm sitting on our couch with you (Jax) in bed and the baby in my tummy. Both of you are completely innocent, perfect and closer to Heavenly Father than I could ever remember being. I want you to always be that way. I know you'll make mistakes and I know that some decisions will be really hard, but I hope you both develop a testimony that Heavenly Father's way is the very best and the very happiest. 

There's lots of things in the world today that I don't know how to handle- one of those things are conversations about gay marriage. Of course I know where I stand- but to stand up for what I believe in  at a moment's notice in an articulate, loving and non-judgemental way can be really hard sometimes. When I think about things you will face in your lives that go against the truth we believe, gay marriage is always at the forefront of my mind. Of course, there are many other things 

that's where I stopped.

The other night I felt so discouraged. Worried about how my kids would grow up- what they would see, what they would hear, and how McKay and I could possible keep them desensitized from a world that is so so wrong. It's hard for me to formulate something cohesive that depicts exactly how I feel, and I guess I can't do it in an extremely intellectual and "fact-based" way like some can. But lately I have been thinking, and maybe it's not about desensitization, maybe it's about knowledge. Of course, there are many many many things that I don't want my kids exposed to, EVER. But growing up, I actually wasn't exposed to homosexual relationships or marriage until I was older, and that has been a huge concern lately for me- because I feel like that won't be the case for my kids. And part of me wishes it was.
I'm not a big "ponderer." I don't classify myself really as one of those people who enjoy sitting in silence and thinking. I think while I'm cleaning (usually subconsciously) or I think while I'm driving. Every spare moment I have, I like to fill with something. But for this subject, I have done some thinking. It's one of those things that demands it. Last night I felt some comfort. I was thinking about one common argument: "It's not our choice to be homosexual," which usually is followed by something like, "This is just natural," "This is who I am," and different variations. And then I was thinking about how much I disagree with most of those things. The only thing that I do think may hold some truth is that homosexuals feel inclinations or temptations that they did not choose.
But WE ALL DO.
We are all born with the natural man; therefore, we all have temptations that we must overcome.
I think that will be one of the key things to teach my kids- that people who have homosexual feelings are no different than people who feel tempted to do drugs, to gamble, to steal, etc. They are tempted to do something and have the choice not to act on it. And like every other challenge in this life, God will help them if they are working on overcoming that temptation to act. But having homosexual feelings does not mean you were born as and destined to be a homosexual person. It means you were born with a challenge that you must overcome in this life- something I believe is 1000% possible with the Lord's help.
I don't feel intimidated by the world anymore. So much of me is so sad that my kids with be exposed to these things so young, but part of me knows that this is an opportunity to strengthen them against hard things early-on. And also, to teach them that we love everyone- that we are all God's children, and it's not up to us to condemn or judge anyone. We just love them and stick to our values and hope that others can find the same happiness we have because we have the Gospel in our lives.

Heavenly Father must have saved the strongest kids for the world today and I am so grateful to have one in my home and one in my tummy.

Blog Takeover: Ultrasound

My ultrasound was at 10am this morning. I couldn't sleep AT ALL last night. Before we went, I had to get me ready, Jax ready (I made McKay do it), and we had to drop Jax of at my grandmas- so I told McKay to wake me up at 8:00 when he left for work. I got up at eight. Usually, when I wake up, I wander around my house and stare at the toilets until I throw up and then I sit in my chair and eat my breakfast, but this morning I didn't have time for that. I grabbed some Cheerios and I sat in my chair. Then I rinsed out my bowl and started walking upstairs, but before I got up there, I had to make a little stop in the downstairs bathroom. It was lovely. My favorite times are when I eat something and I drink nothing. And that's what happened this morning.

Then we left to go to drop Jax off and McKay was a chatterbox! He kept asking me questions and telling lots of jokes and my head was pounding and so finally I just said, "McKay, could you please turn the music on." And then he laughed. Then we dropped Jax off and got to the hospital. Right as we were pulling up to the valet boys, I realized I had forgotten my ID. I said "NOOOOOOOOO!" And I was so scared that I would have to reschedule. I made a plan to say, "The doctor knows me!" But I didn't need to! When I got to the counter, I said I had forgotten my ID and she just laughed and asked my birthdate, my address and gave me my pee cup! So easy! And a little unsafe. I thought of a joke in my mind about how easy it would be for a pregnant lady on drugs to have a friend pee for her. But then I thought I should probably not say that joke, so I didn't.

I was really really nervous when I got into the room. I have been reading a lot of pregnancy forums online and read some stories about sad pregnancies- so I was really really nervous about the heartbeat. Dr. Sharmahd came in and put me at ease! He talked about the lakehouse and asked all about my pregnancy with Jax (which was fun because I love to talk about pregnancy!) and he even quizzed McKay about "How many Deacons are in a quorum?" Then he asked me to scoot down and began the ultrasound. He asked us if we could see the baby and we both looked at each other, because the screen was turned around! Then the Dr. turned around the screen and we saw our baby! Our baby moved right away and put its little fists up by its face and wiggled a lot! We both just kept saying "oh my gosh!" and "look!" and "Did you see that?!" And we could not stop smiling! And McKay was the first one to see the heartbeat! I think he pointed it out to me even before the doctor did. He knew how worried I was. I even cried a little bit because I am so happy that we have a healthy little baby who is growing and moving. McKay kept calling the baby a "he" and I kept correcting him because I still think the baby is a girl! I would be so excited to have a little boy too though. I still think little boys are the funnest (it's a word)! Jax has been cracking us up every day and lately we have just been sitting on the floor watching him and dying at how funny he is.

After the ultrasound we went to Karl's Bakery- where I used to go with my mom sometimes after Ballet. It was so good and we think we are going to make it a tradition to go there after appointments. It was fun to have a little mini-date with my guy. I have missed him lately. Plus, I have been really mean to him (prengnant-mean).

When we got to the Boulevard, I started thinking about pepperoni beef jerkey and I started to crave some, so we stopped at the deli and I got two huge sticks. I ate one and gave Jax one, and then I wanted MORE. Could I be any grosser? So we had to go back and get two more and now I hate them.

When we got home, I compared the baby's ultrasound photos with Jax's. They look so different! Jax's ultrasound was at 8 weeks and two days, and today I am 10 week and four days and it's amazing how much more we could see this time. Jax looked like a tiny little tadpole with a little head and a little body. Today we saw a body, head, moving arms and even four little fingers in a fist! When I was looking at the pictures, I also realized that Jax was conceived "on" October 18th and this baby is DUE October 18th! October 18th is our lucky day!

Blog Takeover: Officially

Officially, TOMORROW we get to have our first ultrasound!

F

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tra la laaaa off to bed.

Also, today (technically yesterday) I showered. McKay bought me a new sponge Saturday that was very brand new and rough. It felt so great to scrub about five days of unshowered skin. While I was scrubbing, I was picturing like a dirty hospital patient being scrubbed down, or a dirty animal or something like that and I felt so newly-clean. And today after church, McKay stared at me and said this:

"I love makeup."

Jax, the 1yr old Baller

I came home the other day and you were shooting hoops in the bathtub. I was pretty impressed at your form so I got out my phone and started recording. Then you did this:

Your a straight up baller bro! Love you little dude!

Blog Takeover: It's Just A Wednesday

Supposedly, my uterus is the size of a "grapefruit."

Today is an "okay" day. It seems like Wednesdays are like that. My pattern has been- sick at the beginning of the week and a little better at the end. This week has been the same. Monday and Tuesday were terrible. I was glued to the couch all day and watched the clock until 10pm when they day was officially over. When I'm not pregnant, the days seem to go by so fast. I watch Jax growing and the hours in the day fly by and I just want time to stop, but not. right. now. I want time to GO. go go go and keep going. 

On Monday I had to make a grocery list for McKay. It was terrible. I was actually crying because I wanted to gag thinking about food. McKay came up and saw that I had googled "pregnancy grocery list" and felt really bad for me so then I cried some more. What it is about other people realizing how pathetic you are that makes situations so much more emotional? I finally made a tiny list and wrote: cucumbers, almonds, apples, granola, dried mangoes, fruit leather, cinnamon raisin bread, top ramen, and I think that's about it. So far, I have eaten little testers of each thing and I don't yet hate any of it. 

My mom came to get Jax today. I think he needs to be able to just go play sometimes. I have become so much more chill. I feel no guilt. The old me would think that I need to use this time to clean the rings in my toilets, but no. The new, two-kid me couldn't care less. I just rest. Currently, I am watching Friends and writing this post. The funny thing is that I feel like Jax has gotten even more attached to me now that I just sit on the couch. I think it's because all day, we just spend time together. We eat our breakfast and snacks side-by-side on the couch, we read, we watch movies, we watch Baby Boost, and we talk. Jax used to always cry when McKay left after his break to go back to work. But now he never does. Maybe it's because he has my attention all day long. I have learned a lot of things on this couch. 

I am also reading a book right now: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. SO GOOD. Last night, I read about 60 pages and could not put it down. I think I might finish it today (but probably not). 

I am also craving a Butterfinger Blizzard...so weird. 

Blog Takeover: Let's count how many times I can say "puke" on Jax's blog.

I seriously just ate a freezer taco at 1am because I am craving tostadas. I am reading NieNie's blog. The month I am reading, she keeps mentioning cupcakes and I want to die. ew. cupcakes.
Oh, also...how much Coke can you drink while pregnant? Because I never drink it...but it helps my headaches and my stomach and I love it right now. Right when I should not be drinking it. (Oh and hi Chad! The Coke is yours! I stole it. Sorry). Also, this week I also stole: Chad's girlfriend's Mongolian Grill leftovers, Chad's pizza, & Chad's Mongolian Grill leftovers. Thanks for staying with us Chad!

Since it's 1:11am and I can't sleep, I've decided to do a deed for McKay. For all husbands really- and compile a list of what not to do when your wife is pregnant. All points are from personal experience/subjection:

What Not To Do When Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. Leave an entire stick of butter on the counter, greasing and melting in the kitchen for four days

2. Buy a tub of artificial pulled pork that you see on the gross commercials and keep it in the fridge front and center in the middle shelf

3. Keep old BBQ ribs in a Cool Whip container in the fridge

4. Keep a glass with 1in. of orange juice in the fridge for so long that it has separated

5. Change your son's #2 and leave it on the ledge at the top of the stairs, causing your wife to puke after she throws it in the garage

6. Give child wife's toothbrush so when wife brushes her teeth there are cracker crumbs mushed in the bristles

7. Play basketball and throw your sweaty ball of clothes onto the bathtub and leave them there

8. Face your wife and breathe while sleeping



Love you McKay!


P.S. Thank you for the cute new shoes, sweet breakfast and the 47 boxes of popsicles! You do do things 98% right, just so ya know! ;)